I tried writing on blogspot, but then I kept remembering all the people (including my neighbor who found that blog by google, what the hell?) who might potentially read it and I got all Margot from The Royal Tenenbaums (he's number 10 on stuff white people like. Number 132 is picking their own fruit, which sound awesome right about now. Strawberries are a-plenty in this part of the world) and so here I am back to the d-land purple box.

I need a website that's just mine. I'd update it, I would. Maybe that's what I'll do this weekend while Jeff and Ossie and Matilda and Cowboy and Peaches are up in Maryland. It's just like old times: just me and Basho and the cats. Except also my little brother is living in the trailer not 50 feet away with his dog, but I've not seen hide nor hair of them so far today. Godblessem, but I hope it stays like that. He's a talker and his dog's a jumber and if I'm going to be around people, I'd just as soon be around my kids and Jeff than anyone else. In other words, I'd have gone to MD.

I'm thinking I need to get myself two appointments, both of which are making me nervous. Appt. number one should be a piece of cake: I need to call the birth center to get them to take this blechy IUD thing OUT already. I'm not sure, but I think I'm blaming it for the bad skin on my face (which was never a problem I had except when pregnant and since I've had this stupid thing in me) and the fact that no matter what I do I can't seem to shake this extra weight. I feel gross, in other words. I'm glad I haven't been pregnant for the past 2+ years, but I'm done with this thing. Also, Jeff got a vasectomy back in November and so, what the hell am I waiting for? I don't have insurance, so I did have to wait until we had a little bit of extra money (a very little). Also, I didn't get Matilda's birth totally paid off until last July or something, and so I'm a little bit embarrassed. Ridiculous, I know. Which brings me to appt. #2 that I need to make. I think I need to see someone about my nervousness. Nah, that's not it. I'm not a nervous person. I am anxious around other people, though. Like the new office is great, but having to be in semi-public 3 days a week is taking a toll. I'm embarrassed by myself all the damned time and can't for the life of me get up and be friendly.

I think I know how this all happened, and it makes me mad, but the fact is I just want a bit of help. I am tired of being like this--afraid that anyone will see me before I am ready. It's awful and ridiculous. I found a great local resource for cognitive/behavioral therapy dealing specifically with social phobias and panic attacks. But here's the conundrum: how does someone with a fear of calling people up on the phone make an appt. for something like that? I can't imagine doing any talk therapy, for instance. I'd be mortified! Talk? With a stranger? About this? Right.

But I'm thinking about it. Mostly I really want to be able to make friends. There are lots of great people here, but I'm so shy that I end up keeping myself isolated. I don't want that for me or for my kids or for Jeff. My brother, who has been here all of 4 months, already has like 5 best friends. Comparisons are odious, I know. But.

I don't want to be my mom, is the truth of the matter. I feel like having kids really woke me up to what my family is really like. I see how all of us have anxiety/social problems. I think I actually got off the easiest in some ways because I am a girl. My dad left me alone, is why. I'm learning how hard he's been on my brothers--so critical, so competitive. It kills me. My older brother is the worst kind of narcissist. I haven't communicated with him in 2 years, and I'm glad. He's mean and awful and I hope I never do communicate with him again. Me and 2 of my younger brothers are really similar, I've come to realize. We are all socially anxious, hyper-sensitive, creative types.

Anyway, enough. I see how my parents failed and I'm angry about it now because I never got angry about it in my teens and twenties like everybody else in the world. But I also recognize that they are just regular people trying to be in the world. Which is what I am doing, and I hope my kids and I have have a healthier relationship. So I've got to make those calls up there.

Birds are making gorgeous spring sounds. The whippoorwill, Jeff's favorite, has been driving me a bit nuts at night. But I also love it because he loves it so much. I think of Jeff the whole time the bird keeps me up.

That's it for now. This is a mess, but it felt good to write. I'm going to see about making a new space for meself this weekend. For now, I'm ready to dust and mop, yeehaw!