I am such a disaster. Started reading student journals (of which there are 40) at 9:30 pm. Stopped at 10:40 with 14 more to go. Got in bed. Set alarm for 5 am. Awoke to no alarm sounds at 7:35 am. Fuck.

Yes my children, here we are AGAIN. Me completely unprepared for the day ahead, scheming new ways to get out of my responsibilities because all I really want in the world is to be home with Basho. I would settle for being here at work if I did not have to teach. I hate teaching. I hate it a lot.

I hate being in front of people.
I hate grading.
I hate planning class.
I hate how much I'm away from home.
I hate articulating my ideas.
I hate having to find clean and decent clothes to wear three days a week.
I HATE GRADING.
I hate public speaking of any kind.
I hate needy students who always want reassurance.
I hate that I'm not concerned with actually doing a good job.

I should stop now. I think this is what me mumma might call negative self-talk. I think a more appropriate concept might be panic attack.

I felt sure the phone was ringing this morning while I was in the shower. I felt sure the phone was ringing because someone had died.

Before this, when I was still sleeping, I dreamt I was in DC and this woman at work told me I was a lousy lazy student because SHE was getting her PhD in Byzantium (she totally made that up. poser dream lady) and had to take 40 hours of higher math course work. That's not even considering all the ancient history and philosophy classes. Then Jeff rode by on a bike which he wasn't too good at riding. We were in Dupont Circle. There was a Starbucks. Or is it a Starbuck's?

You know, I have sources, good green sources, who say that Starbucks ain't so bad. I mean, still help your local coffee place out and get your lattes or mochas or whatever there, but Starbucks has tried to be a responsible corporate citizen--both environmentally and socially. And also, rather than driving all the mom and pop local coffee places out of business, Starbucks has made this country fall in love with fancy expensive espresso drinks and therefore all those mom and pop stores went into business because of Starbucks. Is this true? Or have I been duped? Is Starbucks marketing dept. so good that they have me spewing the party line IN MY DIARY?! Eek. Fact is, I don't drink fancy espresso drinks and if I do buy my coffee from a coffee place it's a locally owned coffee place. Just to set the record straight. I'm a responsible coffee buyer. Even though I think the Starbucks coffee is quite tasty.

Frances and Jeff are in the thick of watching all the old episodes of Buffy. I'm quite excited by this. Frances, bless her, says she's looking out for an Oz for me. Oh yay for Oz. Hip hip Oz. Oz wins all the prizes.

Ok. I better plan class. I guess. Sigh.

Oh and also I think I forgot to brush my hair this morning. And my clothes are all addled with animal hair and wrinkled and, no doubt, completely filthy. And my lips are chapped and I don't have any chapstick. And it's still raining and I don't want the rain anymore. No, that's not true. I want the rain.

Stay rain.

I'm sorry.