In a perfect world I would wake up very early, in the dark. I would live in the woods, of course of course, in a small wood house. There would be water nearby. Basho would silently role out of bed with me and we would go out into the dark and walk and then watch the sunrise. I would come home, make coffee, write. Then I would make breakfast: fruit and hot cereal and I would read.

I am heavy with sleep today. I am wearing my favorite sweater that I forgot about since last year. Excellent.

Even if I don�t say I�m sad and mopey, assume the worst. Depression is the only constant besides Basho. Every day I am working to find some peace from the terror of my insides. Some days are more successful than others. Today might be one of them. No telling just yet.

Yesterday I went home and had the darkest blackness in my head. Awful. I immediately went to the lake. It is the only real cure. And it did make me feel better. I felt much better.

[Max. Bathsheba remembered. I sat on the dock out at the lake and cried and cried last night.]

Nice fella here at work brought me a CD to listen to--Going Driftless. It�s a tribute to Greg Brown. All these women singing his songs. Lucinda Williams and Ani DiFranco and Gillian Welch and Victoria Williams and Iris Dement. Wish I had a CD burner. It�s super. This woman, wow�Ferron. I never heard of her, but wow, she�s good.

Talked to Blythe. She�s itching to move back to DC. I made an actual decision about my future and told her I didn�t think I�d be moving there next year. I just don�t have the big city itch anymore.

Brother Shawn called me up last night and said the following: �I�m probably going into the IB program and you did the IB program and is it hard and I broke my finger today and Joe has mono which you know I guess but he also has some liver problem.�

I said, �Breathe.�

I got two other calls last night but I just really didn�t want to talk on the phone. There are very few phone calls that I answer. Last night: Wolf and Sue. Now I have to call them both back and I can�t think when. I should have just answered the phone. I have contemplated getting rid of the answering machine. I have contemplated getting a secret second phone line. I will only give the number out to a very select few.

I am going to listen to my music now and make like a cataloging fury.