I really would like to quit smoking. I really really would. Suggestions?

New Buffy book in at the library: Slayer Slang: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Lexicon. Clara brought it to me. She brings me all the Buffy books. I love her. She's so pretty and nice.

Sometimes I get to feeling so damned stupid and foolish. You know, like when you walk out into the day thinking you�re looking pretty good, say you have your very favorite pants on or your favorite socks or whatever it is that makes you feel like you�re looking good, say that, then say that halfway through the day you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and you find you�ve got a huge honking stain all down your backside and it�s probably been there all day or that you suddenly realize your ugly underwear is hanging out your pants for everybody in the world to see. That�s how I feel right now. Except I ain�t got no reason to. Like when Bruce Springsteen sings, radio�s on and I�m moving round the place, I check myself in the mirror, I want to change my clothes my hair my face. Like that. Or like when you think you just said something pretty funny but then your good pal makes some comment like you�re an idiot, like you have no business thinking that you�re fun or clever. I hate feeling like that. Oh! How you like that? I just wrote it all down and now it's gone. I feel good, now. Well.

Let's try it again.

I also hate feeling like I got no distance between me and the world, like it�s all right in my head, all ready to come in and hurt me. Except when I�m feeling like that is when I�m closest to joy, too. Closest to feeling it all unfiltered. Do you think we really feel anything? Sometimes I wonder if the older we get, the less we feel. Like we start to feel something, but then we recognize that feeling, so then we kick into meta-feeling or something, shorthand feelings. Do I experience the world as it�s happening or just as I think it�s happening because it reminds me of how it happened before?

I�m (probably) even more annoyed than you who just read that paragraph.

I�ve been going to town cataloging books, listening to the radio. I�m trying to figure out cheap and cool presents for mi familia. I want to make stuff. With book jackets. But not books.

I would very much like to see the Bathsheba people during the month of December. I think we have a plan. I want to meet the baby, the boi, the burrito.

I was so whiny last night. I told Jeff, who said that my whine could use a little work that it wasn�t quite up to snuff, I said I just won the international universal whine competition for all time just the day before. He said, well did you practice today? Because your whine still could use a little work. And then I whined, I wish I had some chocolately goodness. And then he said, Oh I�ll run get you something. And then I whined, but I was just practicing, didn�t you know I was just practicing my whine? And then he patted me on the head. So later when he was all tucked into bed and comfortable as a clam, I said, I really really really want some two-bite brownies, seriously, will you go get me some? And some ice cream? And he smiled cause he thought I was just fooling around, but I was not and I said, please? I got you supper and I took the dogs out and everything and this is all I want and his poor smile faltered a little bit and I said, I think I�m having some woman trouble or something, please please please? And he said, oh! I�m sorry! And he started to get up and then I laughed and laughed and laughed.

It takes more work now, but I can still get him every time.

Probably, if you ever asked him, he�d say that story was a lie. But he�s a world famous liar, so, you know, you can believe him if you want if you think that�s a good idea.

I want to have a craft day or craft weekend with some pals. I want lots of crafty cool supplies and I want fun company and I want to pool the resources and I want to have some spiced apple cider on the back burner and I want to make tons of fun things. How can I make this happen? I�m a think on it.

Right now, though, it�s a lunch time and I made myself some peanut butter and jelly. I�m going to see what the pretty day is doing. Have fun, have a fun Friday.