I'm trembling right now. It's ridiculous. The english department sent my student evaluations from all the classes I've taught here to me. Why did they do this? I have never looked at these evaluations because I am a coward. I don't ever want to know what people think of me. I don't have the guts for constructive criticism from students. But here they are, all ready in my hands and so I looked at them. Just the composition classes--I'm not quite ready to look at the lit. class. I got good evaluations. It still makes me shake. I hate the idea of evaluation, y'all. People looking and thinking about me. No no no no. Sends me into a panic, even three years after the fact. Ugh.

I am also not in my best mind today. I am sick at heart and spirit. Man I ain't getting nowhere. That's all. I want to be moving in some direction instead of treading water which is all I fucking do. Because I am lazy and undisciplined and scared of people. It's stupid. I'm sick of it. Jeff said that he finally feels like his body is getting into the right kind of shape to sustain the level of work he does. That's what I want. I want some work that gets me in shape. I want work. Mental or physical or spiritual or something that forces me to grow somehow. I have to be self-directed here and that, my friends, is the killer. I ain't self-directed worth shit. I hate waking up in the morning to this. It's a fine job. Nothing is expected of me, really, it's pleasant and the folks are easy-going and nice. Makes me want to run screaming into the wilderness.

Right well. Best get back to it. I just needed to settle myself after reading those evaluations and I have thank you very much. No more of the shakey shakey. Still too much of the grouch grouch. Later, y'all.