I have to make a big banner today. Using book jackets. It will say, WE WILL MISS YOU, DORIS. Why are these things, these absolutely odious tasks, in my life? Right. I! Volunteered! What the fuck is wrong with me?

Came home from work yesterday full of sadness so I grabbed a couple of brews and the dogs and the book and the smokes and headed out to the sweet gum tree. I sat out there for a long time and then Basho came running up to me and I pet him and loved him and then POOF there was Jeff. He�d met Bash over the hill and asked, "where�s Molly" and Basho brought him straight to me. I love Basho. He's the best dog, mostly because he's such a dog.

I want it to be the summer of FUN already. God. I would kill for two months off. I miss having month long vacations. Ah school. Ah student loan debt. When did life become such a series of yucky trade-offs? Well, I imagine it always was so, I just haven't been paying much attention.

The library is closing soon�school�s out for summer. Sigh. I don�t know what that sigh is for except it�s everything. I never made that banner (this entry was started at 8 am, friends. I lost heart. Then deleted everything I wrote. Then moved away from the computer. Sigh sigh SIGH). I have to go to the grocery store. I don�t want to go there. I don�t want to do anything.

I�ve been chatting it up with Moriah when she comes to work in the mornings�it�s been fun. I actually have come around and have decided I like her. She�s racist. That's why it's taken me two years to almost be nice to her. I have problems. Her mom is gay. Why that fact should make me like her more, I don�t know, but it kind of does. That probably makes me suspect. No, that definitely makes me suspect. I also like her more just because, after talking with her for practically three hours straight, I think she�s neat. So.

I wish. I wish. I wish. For some end in sight. I�m feeling lonesome but not for anyone�maybe for a new scene, a new something or other to get me interested. I wish I had been doing something great all year (still think in semesters, don�t I) so I�d have something to show for myself. Gah. I�m being annoying.

Right. I also have to figure out something to bring to this stupid party tomorrow. I also have to get over my embarrassment about myself. I met with the above mentioned Doris (head of the library, chair of the narcissist are great committee) and two other v. important library people about some whatever thing and I, of course, because I can�t seem to help myself in certain situations, became loud-mouthed, shrill, and bossy. Ugh. It�s that feeling after class when you realize that you probably should have just kept your fool mouth shut during that debate on racism and gender roles in that French naturalist novel. I hate it when I can�t keep my mouth shut. I�m still pounding myself for that one yesterday and thus, positively dread this party tomorrow. I don�t want to hear Doris say another word about my imaginative questions.

I would like for the great mountain of things that must be done to get smaller and I would like for the self-flagellation to end and the interesting portion of my personality to begin. Please?