Creak. Creeeeeak. That's what I sound like when I stretch. I got lots of creaks and pops. Feels good. Feels really good to be rested.

My birthday is my annual day of reckoning, I have come to realize. Came around yesterday. I am all the worst parts of myself, but also all the best parts (which must exert themselves in order to overtake the bad parts but they always do! Every year!). I had a hard day. Not least of which because I had to get up at 4 am. Jeff was trying to get home and had broken down again. That made three breakdowns: Houston, Atlanta, Charlotte. We finally got him home and the truck towed to Will's house at about 11 am. Which means he was up for 27 hours straight, driving and breaking down. Ugh. He went to bed and I tried not to feel sorry for myself (for various reasons, too many reasons) without much success. When Jeff got up at about 3, I went to grocery store to buy him a coke and groceries for the week and also to cry cry cry all over this country. It was quite a display. Fact is, I just didn't want to take care of anyone else but me yesterday. So I came home and told that to Jeff and told him to go back to sleep if he was too tired to make his own supper and then I saw the look on his face and I almost caved but I didn't. I said, I see you're hurtin and I'm sorry and I'm going to leave you to deal with that. And zoom, out the door, down down down into the fields. I gave myself a very stern talking to but also cut myself some slack and I think, all around, I got myself feeling much better.

The problem, for me, is this: I'm at war with expectations from other folks and independence. On this one day I expect other people to provide me with proof that I'm cared for, a thing I absolutely abhor, a way of looking at the world that would kill me dead if I really believed it. So I have to spend the day remembering that I am the one I'm here for, that I am the one who cares, more than anyone else, in fact, I care about me. That's when I realize that birthdays, for me, are to remember that--to remember that I'm responsible for my own happiness and my own hurts. I feel strong remembering that about myself, remembering that I can do that.

Jeff had gone when I got back home so I gathered up the pups and we went to sit out under the sweet gum tree. I read and drank a beer and smoked cigarettes and let Peaches sit on my lap. Jeff came wandering up and gave me a treat he'd gone far and wide to get and a note he'd written. We were both feeling better and it was good. We had a lovely lazy evening and then the great storm came and cleaned away the hot heavy air and cleaned away the last of the sourness in each of us. The day turned gold and secret. It was excellent.

I do love my family and friends. I got many calls yesterday, although I only talked with me mother--I hate talking on the phone. Especially on such a terrible (terrible as in awesome, not terrible as in bad) day as my birthday. My aunt Loretta called. That was very strange. I haven't seen or spoken to her since I don't know when. I think I was probably a teenager. I just never kept up with my dad's family (which is huge and loud and, well, stupid and mean. I don't like 'em and I never will. Me=misanthrope. I tell you true. I'm a lousy relative). It was weird to hear her voice. She sounds like my grandmother. My mom says she called because there's some big family feud going on--it's been going on for a couple of years but I've just been ignoring it, which, for me, is easy to do. My mom thinks Loretta is trying to line me up on her side of the fight. That makes me giggle.

I saw a male peacock zipping around on the side of the highway on Saturday. It stepped out into the road after I passed and my heart nearly stopped, but he made it across safely. People who keep peacocks as pets? I got nothing to say to those people. Don't tell me, I know. I got nothing to say to pretty much all the people.

Miz Brittania! Had! Her! Baby! I'm so happy and excited! I tried calling her at the hospital, but I never got anyone to answer, alas. I talked with Ron, new daddy on this earth, and he sounded so so tired. But yay them. Yay yay yay. Jeff was not 50 miles from their town on Saturday morning and I wished he could go find them. Oh well. I hope to travel down there for to see them all soon.

Life is pretty good and I feel about as lucky as a person can be. I have a home I love with friends I love keeping me company in it and friends I love out there in the wide world having babies and being interesting. I want for nothing and I can't think of how I could be more blessed. That's good. Plus I'm 30 now. It's a whole new decade, y'all.