Right.

That's me trying to get my equilibrium back. My equanimity, also. I been so low down and blue--leaking from my eyeballs blue. Haven't felt like this for so long. For years. I guess I'm partly feeling insecure and partly feeling stuck (in a most fabulous perfect life--but a gilded cage is still a fucking gilded cage). Mostly I'm just sick of my damned self.

We're going to Maryland this weekend. Oh how I don't look forward this--Jeff's folks are having a big shindig to celebrate all these family things. 102 people. All Deaf--and me not so much with the fluency in sign language. Shit, I'm awkward as hell even when I speak the language. And I'm all self-conscious about how little I know and I'm in this self-loathing mode these days so I imagine this will just be a great opportunity to really wallow in my inadequacy. Yippee. And can I just say? They're getting a PORT-A-JOHN. For a flippin open house party. Four bathrooms in the house! And a port-a-john?! Kill me now.

We're going to see Blythe & Bill over labor day weekend and that, I have declared, will be my last public outing before my confinement.

I'm tired. Maybe shitty old today deserves a coke. Except the midwife told me to stay away from all carbonated beverages this week (my blood pressure was slightly elevated and I think this particular midwife is the super cautious one and so I have to go back in next week for a recheck, which, personally, I think is just silly. But if I get to hear my baby's heartbeat again, I'll take it. I love hearing that.)

Ok, bye.