Jeff's folks are visiting. They're nice. But sigh.

What is it that I want? I don't even know. I'm filled with so much discontent. I want to be doing something exceptional, I suppose. Or to have done something exceptional at some point, something I can point to and tell myself, see! See! Look it! Not that Ossie ain't pretty spectacular, but he totally came that way.

I guess it's a mourning time. My minutes are so filled with work and baby, and I can't even do all of that in one day. I am falling behind at work, a little bit every day (great hay making for the free floating anxiety, I tell you what) because I come home at 2 or 3 and that's it. Ossie time. I should be working at least 8-9 hours straight every day. But it doesn't happen.

I am so thankful, of course of course, for this life. But I get so resentful too. I hate that part. I add up the hours in a day and I get bitter angry resentment. I get up at 6 am to get ready for work & feed Ossie. I get to work and do that until 2:30. I come home and I'm on duty with the babe (willingly, of course of course) until bedtime at 8 pm. I nurse him down which lately takes about an hour. Then I read for maybe 20 minutes before passing out myself, because, of course, the night is only just beginning. Every 3-4 hours Ossie roots around for food so I am on duty still, all night, and it never ever ends because then it's 6 am and I have to get up and go.

See? Why did I do that? Now I have that desperate trapped angry feeling and there is. no. release.

I have a million things to do rightthissecond with my classes but I can't focus. Ugh.

The only way to do it is really just to do it. Keep my head down. Talk in cliches. Nice, huh. Ok, here's where I let all the nasty bits out: Jeff is going down to Florida next weekend to collect his art and make some good connections and visit with his friends and I want so much to be supportive and not resentful every damned minute of the day but I am positively choking on it at the thought of this. How do you deal with this level of anger and weepiness? Any suggestions? And of course if I said don't go he wouldn't. But I don't want to say don't go. I want him to have a good fulfilling life and the fact is, what good will not going do? I'm just jealous because there is no reciprocating--there is no, well then, I'll go away for a weekend of fun too! Ossie is too young and my days are too full as it is. So seriously. How do I get past this? I am willing to entertain any and all suggestions. Please.

The end.