Writing in d-land again can me only one thing: am in desperate need of release valve.

Heart palpatations at full bore. All should be well: am exercising, getting quality personal time, have mostly happy life.

And yet.

Can only write in half chocked sentences. Have no idea where the fuck I'm going with anything. Behind in grading (fuck) and useless at business (i think). Lonely as hell (as usual).

I suck SUCK at making friends. I think I am very weird around normal humans. Shy, awkward. I'm the one who makes you uncomfortable at parties, yep. How much do I hate that? I keep wanting to be the comfortable, at home in her own self, happy one. I am faking a whole boatload of happiness and self-assurance but I'm pretty sure I'm not fooling anyone.

Also, I am trying to quit my job, but I keep losing my nerve. What's up with that? Too scared to stay, too scared to leave. I also wonder, often, if I am actually really lousy at my job. I always think I'm good at it, but maybe I'm not? What if I'm a shitty mother, also? I mean, do shitty teachers and mothers think of themselves thusly? Don't we all suffer from the Garrison Keillor "all the children are above average" thing? I have a feeling I am deeply average in all ways, maybe sub-average, and have been fooling myself into thinking that I am interesting/worth knowing.

Phew. Thank god I got that out.

Also, I think I am a know-it-all. Ugh.

Does this mean I have to resubscribe to d-land now? I mean, what's happening here anyway? Is anybody here? Hellllloooooo?