Last night at the lake, Basho discovered the joys of chasing geese. I don�t know where all these birds suddenly came from, but I do know they were pretty mad at my dog. He tried to swim after them, but he�s still such a baby that he doesn�t like to swim if the water is over his head. He kept trying though and then he�d turn and look for me and it was such a �look ma, no hands� moment. Ah, but I love him.

I�m feeling a bit forlorn�no, I�m not sure what it is I�m feeling. Maybe I�m wishing that I were a better member of the human race or something. More confident. More extraverted. But no. I�m a sad little wind-up soldier stuck in a corner, banging my head against the wall, waiting for my gears to run down. Timalina called last night and invited me over to Derring Do�s for a birthday gathering for Barbara. She gave me the guest list: Timalina and Derring Do (couple), Reginald and Barbara (couple), Bathsheba and Peter (yeah! but, couple), and Jolly Jock and Jane (couple couple COUPLE). And me. Bah. I didn�t go. I was too shy and too solitary and too sorry for myself. It�s pathetic.

Instead I talked for a bit on the phone with me mum, who was a terrible conversationalist because she was in the midst of playing monopoly with Shawn and my dad. Mostly I sat there and listened to the game in progress. I suggested that the call could happen at another time, but she wouldn�t hear of it. I got annoyed. And jerkish.

Then I talked with Oliver. He recently got himself a high-powered job with some ethics committee and he was trying to give me money but I declined. Brother Dan is visiting him now and Oliver was really freaked out by Dan�s appearance and extreme drinking habits. I don�t think he realized how bad things have got with Dan. This is because Dan hates Oliver (for some pretty valid reasons) and therefore Oliver has not been on the receiving end of Dan�s middle of the night mad drunk telephone calling. Dan drove up to San Francisco (where Oliver resides) from Tijuana in order to pick up a parental cash influx. Oliver is not aware that this is the only reason Dan is visiting him. My family. Fucked up. It�s particularly odd because they all tell me everything and I feel like I am the only one holding all the pieces and the picture these pieces create? Not so pretty.

I still keep going back and forth on whether or not to take this second class. (Angela, darling, I teach English. You should come east to take my class. I know I�d give you an A+.) I need the money. I�ll go completely mad. I�ll have to leave Basho home alone for so many hours. I�d hate that. I really would. I wish I had a roommate for times like these. Man but I need the money.

Today it might rain. I�m holding my breath. I�m tempting the fates. Let it rain. Let it rain, hard and long. Let it hail. Let the lightning come. Let the thunderous thunder send cats and puppies the land over skittering under beds. Let the winds whip up the lake water. Let the poisonous plants, dying of thirst, be reawakened. Wash away the spider webs. Rain rain rain. God but I�m sick of these dry blue skies.