Ah yes. I�m an idiot. Right. Well. Let�s not dwell on that, ok? Let�s have some fun for once.

Fun. Fun fun fun fun. We�re having fun.

One of my students from last term keeps emailing me, wanting to know how she did on her final exam. I keep forgetting to check. I am milking the batty professor stereotype.

For real now. I HAVE to get to work. Totally serious.

I just read this sentence by Lawrence Osborne in his book, American Normal:

As the whole notion of individual eccentricity declines in Western culture, we come to rely more and more on the notion of medical disorder, and an array of syndromes that can be applied to all who are strange, or simply solitary.

And that�s exactly it. Ok, maybe you don�t know this but there are some people who suggest that I would do very well on some medication or another. Birth control pills could regulate my hormonal mood swings. Wellbutrin might lessen my anxiety AND help me quit smoking. I should also go into therapy. No. That�s what I say. I say, the entire point of existing at all for me is to understand myself and my inner workings and to find moments of peace in all the turmoil. That�s what I say.

You know I�m teaching tonight. I still haven�t done the syllabus either. But I decided to play confident teacher person today and to simply push aside the churning dread. I�ll be fine. Class will be fine.

Update: I�ve been slowly working on the syllabus and am constantly startled by the vastness of my ignorance. Technical writing. Uh-huh. Nothing has prepared me for this. Oh wait. Confident teacher. Right. I should probably dress professionally for class, shouldn�t I. Usually I look less put together than my students. Usually they say things like, you don�t look like a teacher or how old are you? or is this your first class?

Really and truly I had planned not to write about the looming first class at all today. So you know, this entry could be far worse.

Some days I wish I could just go completely mad. I wish I could just walk out on every single damned responsibility I�ve got. I�ve done it before. No good comes from that path. So here I sit. Forcing myself to stand firm. This does not come naturally.

Ok ok ok. Syllabus calls. I must do my duty.

Anybody want to guest lecture for me? Anyone?

I should just go back to library school, that�s what I should do. Maybe I will next year.

That�s it. The end. No more procrastinating. Informal reports and information organizing here I come.