Feeling a little bleak today. I didn�t really want to come to work. I didn�t really want to stay home. I would like to drive down to Florida. I would like to drive somewhere with a purpose. I would like to have something to do, some place to go, some one to see. I would like to go to the ocean in Florida, to the place where the scrub still lines up at the sand, the place with no boardwalk and no visitors, the place where the giant sea turtles roll in and roll out every year. I could lie in the crook of the earth there, and the sun would shine with kindness and the sand would stick to my skin and the salt would coat my hair and I would be the woman of the sea. And then, I would like to be in the forest for a long time and I would like to be warm and I would like some company in the forest with me and I would like a lake there and then I would be the woman of the wild wood. And then, I would like to go to the mountain, to the high mountain and I would climb and I would be the woman who climbs and my arms would grow strong. And then, I would like to try on happiness for a whole year, to use up all my happy days in one year and then I would be the woman of sunshine and light followed by the woman of sadness and night.

I would like to tear up the carpet in my rented house. I hate carpets. And then I would like to sweep out the whole house because I love to sweep but I�ve nothing to sweep in that house, do I.

I would like to move off the map. I would like to live somewhere you couldn�t find.

Some days everything I feel is right at the surface and it�s hard, it�s a hard way to live. I insulate myself with information�I got the radio going, I got music on pause, I�ve got news to read, I�ve got emails to write. I put the headphones on here at work to make myself completely unapproachable because I just know I�ll either burst out laughing or crying if anyone speaks to me and there�s no way to tell which it�ll be. Shawn used to say, when he was little, you hurt my heart. That�s how it is right now, but I don�t know who to say that to.

I wish I could make a sentence that never ends that was never over so that I wouldn�t have to move forward, so that the next moment would not have to begin, the time after this, the time when I have to think of something new. I�m timid and mean too and so I think there�s nothing for it but to learn to love this life of solitude and loneliness. Some days I do, I do love it, but some days it�s too much.

I think I�m getting weird living so completely in my own head like this. I think if you strung all the words I say out loud in one day together, you would see.

And the worst part, the worst part�or maybe it�s the best because I sure can�t tell anymore, not the sadness from the joy, not the loneliness from the contentment, not the hunger from the satiety�is that I�ve been so alone for so long that I fear I can no longer see people or they can no longer see me. Conversation, darlings, is out of the question.

I want to go to Florida today. I want to drive all the way down there, to sleep in the folds of my family�s company, to forget, for a bit, how terrible and strange and blue my life can be.