I�m cancelling class tonight. I just can�t face it on top of everything else. No I can�t. Not today.

Look at me, just look. I am wearing dark clothes, long black sleeves, a jacket. The rest of the world in t-shirts and shorts and skirts because it�s beautiful spring.

You see, he�s gone, or as good as gone. He said goodbye this morning.

These are my mourning clothes.

So there was Thursday night and Friday morning. And then Saturday afternoon, but that was all at Frances�s and Jeff�s, not just us two. And then I got sick. So sick I could only curl up in bed and writhe in pain and not see anything. And then goodbye this morning. It�s not fair, I say. None of it counts, I say. I�m still waiting for him to come over and see me.

And yesterday, pre-pain but exhausted still, I watched Three Kings while he napped. I felt so sick watching that. George Bush and Saddam (why, always only the first name with him, why?) and American carelessness. And the world never changes. And do I? Do I change?

___________________________________

Right. Everything above the line was written before 12:30. That�s when I just up and went home and broke into my house because I gave him the key and sat out back with the dogs in this beautiful day. And then he showed up. He went grocery shopping for me. He kept bringing in bags and bags of food. Lovely lovely boy. Lovely. He said he�d stay until tomorrow. He�ll stay with me tonight. And I changed my shirt. Short sleeved. And I left my big heavy full of teacher stuff bag at home. I�m just carrying my keys now, that�s how light my load is. Carrying my keys and happiness too.