Oof. I feel absolutely wretched today. The universe conspires against me. Alas.

But the weekend was glorious. Saturday, we drove over to Frances�s and Jeff�s and hung out in the fine weather in that fine house with those fine people. Had too much to drink over the long day, ate turkey sandwiches, Frances played music and the soundtrack to a film she made and it was lovely. I didn�t even know Frances could sing like that. We ended up sleeping over there and Sunday morning we took a ramble down to the river with the dogs. And we talked about renting that place when Jeff and Frances leave. And, in this corner, hope and love cheered. And, in this corner, fear and dread and all the caged creatures who occupy my mind, booed.

Let�s not discuss it.

I was telling Frances about how the thunder on Wednesday night kept waking me up and making me think I was getting bombed and TK, who was there, said �me too!� and Frances said her sister said the same thing too. It was a phenomenon.

Good god I�m tired. Class tonight, too. My buddy�s leaving today, too, and I won�t see him no more. Plus the sickness. Mind body and spirit sickness today.

I ordered pizza yesterday afternoon and do you know who delivered it? My old student, T. Remember him? It was weird.

I think, sometimes, the best thing really is to just go to my parents� house. To live there. I miss them terribly. I ache for my family. I worry about isolation, my isolation, which may well be more than I can bear. Being around friendly people throws it into relief, how much I am alone. And I cannot bear to not be alone, and I cannot bear my loneliness. It�s a puzzle.

I told him last night, when he said, what about Frances and Jeff�s place?, I told him, I don�t know. I�m afraid to say yes to there because what about Basho, how much would he be alone and what about me, how much would I be alone and so far so far far far from anyone and really, if we stayed here together, he would be the only person I know. I don�t think I can live that way. And I don�t think I can. That�s the thing.

He has friends here. Soon, I will not. I will collapse under the weight of this. I am too much alone. My whole life, I am too much alone.

I am despairing today. It all seems impossible. Me, I mean. I am impossible. Are we all so wrong this way? Please say yes.