Yep. And so. I am full in it, it would seem, full in it.

It�s like that feeling I get when someone new reads this diary all the way through. Maybe you don�t know this but when that happens I feel like death. First the worry, then the anxiety, then the panic attack where I can�t breathe and I have to ignore how my heart clatters against my rib cage and I have to sit down because it starts to hurt so damned bad like I�m having a heart attack and then it occurs to me that any morning, any of them, I could wake up dead. Or not wake up, I mean. Nothing scares me more than that thought. When I die, I want to know I�m dying. I want to look death square on. Please don�t let me slip away in the night not knowing, please. Who am I talking to?

Nina Simone. Frances introduced me to her. Righteous warrior, that one. Both those ones, Frances and Nina Simone.

I�m listening to this song now:

Four Women

My skin is black
My arms are long
My hair is wooly
My back is strong
Strong enough to take the pain
It's been inflicted again and again
What do they call me
My name is AUNT SARAH
My name is Aunt Sarah

My skin is yellow
My hair is long
Between two worlds
I do belong
My father was rich and white
He forced my mother late one night
What do they call me
My name is SIFFRONIA
My name is Siffronia

My skin is tan
My hair's alright, it's fine
My hips invite you
And my lips are like wine
Whose little girl am I?
Well yours if you have some money to buy
What do they call me
My name is SWEET THING
My name is Sweet Thing

My skin is brown
And my manner is tough
I'll kill the first mother I see
Cos my life has been too rough
I'm awfully bitter these days
because my parents were slaves
What do they call me
My
name
is
PEACHES

She died yesterday. And the whole world feels like a death watch today. The whole world on its way out. Good thing the day has decided on unabashed beauty. I don't want the world to end on a dreary day.

I want to rip out my yucky thoughts. I want to sweep away my brains. Sweep them away. I just want to be able to sit, still, calm, without desire, without judgment, Basho in front of me, keeping watch, we�ll keep watch together. That�s all I want. No more fuzz, no more watery world, no more exposure. I would chop my own arm off if I thought it was giving away too much. Not things, I�m not talking about things. I�m talking about my insides, I�m talking about this current pain, how I want to take it all back and put it away properly where everything used to go. I don�t like this new arrangement. My rooms are confused. Miss Blue is confused.

I am mad. I know. Just let me be this way. Allow me the madness. And don't take it over. Mine mine mine mine mine. My crazies.