I am suffering through a severe case of brain rot. Symptoms: random and excessive flipping through the same 10 web sites over and over and over and over and over and, well, you get my point. Ugh. It makes me feel as I've eaten a pound of candy. Empty brain calories.

I am stewing on some things. Or things are stewing in me. Don't take this the wrong way (I know I would if I read it), but a book on dependency and codependency fell into my cataloging hands yesterday and has stirred up all manner of thoughts. (What I mean by not taking it the wrong way: I get, sometimes unreasonably, irritated by self-help blither blather. I think it's a reaction to highly therapized parents who are both licensed marriage and family counselors.) A few items hit a bit close to home. I think I struggle with the need to be independent. I force myself, every single day near about, to remember that other people's thoughts and feelings are not my thoughts and feelings. I sometimes get to thinking that all people, or almost all people, are black holes that, given the right set of circumstances, I'd be sucked into and completely obliterated by. So I build up hearty barriers to keep home and hearth safe. Which is good. Healthy, even. I know it, though I have doubted it about myself in the past. It's hard enough to feel all my own wacky sadnesses and joys, let alone anyone else's. I feel myself battling that impulse to take on other people's burdens all the time--my dad tends to do this, as does Dan, as does Joe (hey! Happy birthday little brother! Even though you aren't reading this!). I think the last year has got me feeling really good and strong about myself. It's a little bit embarrassing to say this, but I will anyway because it's high time I did. I think I've got myself in perspective, is what I really mean. Like I can see where my strengths are and I can see my weaknesses too but all in all I'm feeling all right about the whole package. No, I'm feeling a damned sight better than all right about the whole package. I've a tendency toward sadness, but I know how to keep the devils at bay and how to lay low when they come out anyway, how to tread water until I can come back into myself. It's good. I know how to take care of myself. I don't need anyone else to do that for me and it gives me joy.

I still have work before me. I get jealous in romantic relationships. I hate that feeling and I know it comes from some insecurities that I haven't worked myself out of and it's a passive-aggressive thing--trying to control other people, another person. I don't want that in my life anymore. So yeah. I'm stewing on that one. Another one: I tend to withdraw when I feel like other people are getting too in my head--I'm not sure what to do about this one. See, I don't want anyone else in there mucking around, feeding off how I'm feeling or worrying too much about how I'm doing. It brings out that whole dependency guard unit I've set up (impulse one: soothe and comfort and take on the responsibility of someone else's insides which is quickly cut short by the defense team: withdraw withdraw danger lies ahead!) and I'd like to someday reach the point where I don't have to go through all that, where I can let other people be who they are, do what they do, and not react. My dad has this wicked reactionary personality that, left untended, totally feeds off of my mom. I don't want to be either party in that dance (though my folks have spent their lives working this problem through). I don't want to take other's people's hang-ups personally (and I'm pretty damned sure no one wants me to get all put out by their hang-ups either). I want to be right with myself so that I can be right with the friends and kin I love. It's the only way through, I'm sure of it.

It's funny because I hold so little faith in self-help stuff. What annoys me so much about it is that it strips life of so much meaning and mystery. But I felt some truth in what I read yesterday and if it's given me a model or a metaphor that helps me out then I won't say no out of bull-headedness or cantakerousness. I know truth when I hear it, when I read it, when I see it. Frankly, I don't know much else.

Maybe now that I've said all that I can actually get some productive work done with what remains of the day (it's four fucking thirty! Hotdamn!)

My buddy's on the scene tomorrow! Yay me!