Frances shout out: I have two more crushes to add to my list of real people I don�t know but love anyway:

1. Coleman Barks
2. Daniel Day Lewis

Last night when I got home I was an angry astronaut. I called up my momma on the telephone hoping she would talk me down. Danny answered and I thought, yes thank god. We talked for about two hours about everything in the world except the inner crap, the turmoil, the demons the drinks and the despair. We talked about where we�ll be when the revolution comes and we talked about platonic ideals and nihilism and anarchy and movies and work. I felt like I could breathe again after I got off the phone with him. Conversation about things, not about feelings or people. And he�s so damned funny and smart. He�s my brother but more my brother than my other brothers, like I can say something that would require lengthy explanations for everyone else on the planet but with Danny, he just gets it. I don�t have to pick and choose my words or thoughts, I can say everything and I can say it as fast as I think it and he does the same and it�s fucking fun. It�s so goddamned fun to not hold anything back, which I feel like I do all the time�maybe because I�m shy or because I think other people won�t participate or because it�s just not the right tenor in the room to be me, the whole me who likes to leap up and down the conversational ladder, to be a complete and total sarcastic jerk who knows about things because I do read and do make it my business to know and with Danny we can just let the shit fly. And he is so deadpanned sarcastic about things that it cracks me up. We talked about heroes and hubris and how he looks like wolverine and he says for me to watch that movie The Believers. I just love that kid. He�s playing banjo in a band and they do a Neal Young cover and a Rancid cover.

Sometimes, no no no--all times, I want to talk about movies and books and music and deconstruct things and talk about why I hate the president (I called it the Bush administration and Danny said, nope, the Bush regime) and why I love Daniel Day Lewis. That�s what I call conversation. I�m a bit lost, it seems, otherwise. Not raging, but feeling lost and still a bit...what? I oscillate. I feel like ok, I can do this, I even want to do this one minute and then the next minute I think, but it�ll kill me. I feel death settling in even now. I need my people to pull me out by talking to me, you know? Talking to me about ideas and being funny and not compartmentalizing conversations and ideas and thoughts and feelings. I can tell Danny that I hate the machines and am feeling a bit out of control which may lead to another bout of depression and I want to walk everywhere and did you see X-Men yet and I can tell it to him all at once and then he will tell me that he wants to be famous and move to LA and observe corruption up close and make pots of money and have you seen Ghostdog yet because you would love that movie.

Yeah. Don�t know what anything means anymore today. I�m going to go find a new book to read.