I�ve been working like crazy today�all week, really. I�m not sure where the crazy work impulse comes from or where it goes when it leaves me so utterly slack and lazy, which is most of the time. I�m feeling like I got a cold or I�m hungover, can�t tell which, but for sure it ain�t good. Life seems washed out and hollow and I�m wondering where the deep lush parts are again, where the time to do my things has gone. I was reading up about the rules of loc cataloging and feeling my brain doing its work and it struck me how long it�s been since I�ve given it any real work to do.

I think I smell of cigarettes and unwashed body. Used to think I always smelled of cat pee. Sometimes that still happens. I�m tired and the wind is whipping up and it�s getting cold. Yesterday was a present, a gift from a fair and benevolent master, yesterday�s warmth and stillness. Yesterday I was filled with such glee. I told all manner of pointless lies to my favorite student Heather about Jeff. I�m setting about ruining his reputation everywhere I go, here included. It�s like pulling his pigtails, which is one of my favorite hobbies, something to remind me of how much I like him when he�s not around. I talk smack about him and nobody except Jeff, I bet, would think it�s funny. I told him all the lies I made up about him when I got home and he said, �you�re funny� and then that became the funniest thing I ever heard, the way he said it, like I�m the very opposite of funny, the least funny person who ever walked the earth. Poor old Jeff. I�m merciless.

But now my back aches and my eyes are heavy and my brain�s all a-fog.

I get scared sometimes thinking about how speedily the world zips along. Here it is, practically the end of the year, and what have I done? I�m lazy, I�m easily distracted, I�m too content, and thus. I have so many plans and I wonder if that�s part of the problem. I have limited time�work & driving & dogs & hanging out with my pal�so every other second that I�m not doing one of those things I sit outside and read and smoke and disappear. Without those minutes I�d die, I just know it. I need more time. I need better focus, need need need.

I�m so damned tired and low down and dreading the cold today. Some days I got no defense against the cold and maybe it�s not even cold, maybe it�s warm, even, but I�m hunched over and burrowed deep in some unused storeroom crowding all my warmest thoughts and blankets of hope all against the walls and the chilly corners and still the cold whips in against me and I�ve got nothing to fight it off with and nothing to be able to welcome it. I see the next couple of weeks and then some stretched before me and I don�t see any me in them. I still think like this, singular. I don�t know how to do else wise.

And so I read and I read and I read, book after book, I�m swallowing them whole, worrying what comes next all the while. My jeans are getting worn. all my clothes are getting worn and disasterish, my shoes are falling apart, my socks just keep on disappearing, Basho sleeps in a different room from me, Miss Blue sleeps in a different house, practically, and I don�t know where I am. Where did I go? Except I�m happier than I ever was, right? But where did I go?

P.S. Damn the low-carb business. I want warm fresh baked chocolately goodness and I want it now. Is this somefuckingkind of indifuckingcation about female fuckitude hormones fuckingness that I should note? Nah.