Ok, here's the deal. This week I been real cranky about my LIFE, about WORK. I finally let it rip the other evening to Jeff, shit I didn't even know I thought, and damn damnalamndamn that felt good. I said how I feel like I'm wasting myself here, driving two hours a day for this? For sitting in front of computer screen and mostly doing nothing? And the worst part? Nobody cares if I do nothing. That's fine.

If that ain't a waste of gas, of clean air, of hope, of brains, of life, I don't know what is.

I hate commuting. I hate the idea of commuting and I hate the facts of it--of living outside of the community where I work, of not working in the community where I live, of using up so much for so little. I hate driving. I hate the loss of time. I hate leaving the dogs for what seems like a waste of time (except for the whole paycheck/health insurance/retirement boringness).

So what do I do about it? I ain't going back to school. I can't do it, can't do the debt, can't do the homework, can't do the further shrinking of time for the life I want, not even for a short time, not even as a means to an end.

On last night's walk down to the river (and jesus, I was in a right state when I got home and then those damned dogs found an entire herd of mice and killed em and it was just awful and I hated them (except Peaches, who doesn't know from killing) a little bit for doing what is in their nature to do, hated myself for being another parasitic person on this poor old earth) I yelled a lot to myself and to the dogs and to the sky. Thing is, I know what I want. I know. What the fuck? I'm so goddamned motherfucking lazy makes me want to pound things.

Three pages a day, here at work. That's what it's going to be, good bad ugly stupid whatever. I don't care. Just fucking shut the hell up and do it.

I got to get really mad to get myself going. Thing is, once I get going, I'm pretty good at staying going, I remember I like it, and boom boom, I'm a writing crazy fool.

Just got to feed the rage until I don't need it anymore.

Fucking right fucking on, let's go.