I never thought this diary would be something I neglect. I never thought I�d feel overwhelmed by the idea of writing or worried that I don�t write enough or any of that nonsense. But just looking at my last entry, I am overwhelmed. I get to thinking that this is a place to recap my life, which it�s not. I still have that impulse to want it all written down so I don�t forget, because I forget everything. Ah well.

Last night I came home from work in my work funk�the tamped down thumping head, the numbness, the lack of everything, that�s what work does. I scowl driving home and when I realize I�m scowling like that I say, hey what you got to be so mad about anyway? And then I try on a smile just to see and I always feel better. That�s how I know it�s just habit, not real down and dirty feelings. I have to train myself not to be scowly, train myself to notice the good parts, even, or especially, on work days. Like how yesterday morning Peaches ran into the bathroom and zoooooom, lept up into the old clawed foot bathtub. This is not a dog renowned for her jumping skills. She ain�t no athlete, not a-tall. But lord, she loves water and baths and the toilet and little puddles and streams. Mind you, she doesn�t like to be wet, she just likes water.

We went for our walk and we stopped at the little pond so Peaches could stick her face in the water and dunk for sticks and leaves. Basho and Frankie just get in and get wet and cool off. I think Peaches thinks she�s doing the same thing. She could stand there and dunk her head under the water all day long. I like to throw rocks in and watch her�she loves watching the rocks plunk down into the water but it also scares her just a little bit. She�s such a funny happy weirdo. Bash and Frank run far and run hard and have adventures that I don�t see. They�re a team. So�re me and Peach. We just walk slowly and look at the nearby amazements.

I spend a lot of time thinking about these dogs. As you see. The care and company of them takes up much of my life. I prefer their company to all (except Jeff, but he�s one of them anyhow) and I miss them here at work. I think how Frankie needs her routines and needs to feel safe and secure and then she can run and leap and be sweet and give hugs with the best of em. I think how Basho needs to be free and give and receive many many hugs. I think how Peaches likes to have fun above everything else. If I were a dog (but I am) I would be like Frankie. Jeff is like Basho.

I sat up at Mr. Brown�s cabin last night, drinking and smoking and saying my prayers. I started out my prayers with the intention of asking for strength and fortitude and such things as I sometimes think I need to get me through my days. But before I started I looked up at the windy trees swaying but steady and said my thank you�s first and it turns out, that was all that need be said. Then the dark came on swift as the low flying owl and with it the big storm. Peaches barked at the rain all the way back and I laughed and we got wet through and through and the wind and the thunder. It was very exciting, my friends. Then Jeff arrived in the truck to rescue us and we all piled in, wet and happy and laughing.

Wolf called and I felt so sad for him and felt horrible all over again for not understanding how he was. I guess he�s going back to Germany in April. Die Dicke, I think, is coming back to us. I feel some strange sadness about everything and I wish I were better able to understand, to understand what makes it so for him.

Jeff was supposed to be in Maryland right now. He, in fact, left for Maryland on Sunday. He got about 15 miles before having to turn back home on account of his truck. We�re going to have to get a new vehicle of some sort�that truck is about gone and it�s no sense pouring more money into it. So. We�re broke (y�all knew that) and we need a new car/truck/something. Ayiiiii. Have a little faith! There�s magic in the night. Ok.

I plan to get pictures up as soon as I can of the chicken coop project, which is nearly completed. It�s neat and I�m excited. I want to sleep in there. It�s up in the trees practically. Frances came over on Sunday night and lord, I was a jabberwockymouth, and so excited to show her. Also Buddy Black came over with her and I knew it. I knew it. Peaches wants him to be her true love. Buddy was playing hard to get, but Peaches wants him. She�s funny. And Frankie just took to Frances like I�ve never seen her take to anyone. She just came and sat right next to her (Peaches was all over her lap and hanging from her hair and licking and nibbling and making herself right at home, of course) and it almost made me cry, seeing Frankie like that. Seeing how welcoming all those dogs were to Frances, that made me want to cry too. I�m a weepy willow lately, lord. I was very glad, glad in my heart, deep in my heart, to see Frances.

Jay and Shawn and Blythe are coming this weekend. I think. That makes me a little bit nervous. I don�t like change! I�m a freak. Because sometimes I would prefer never to see anyone I love rather than have to experience change. I am exactly like Frankie. But I�m trying to be more excited and I know I will have fun and good times when they come. I�m taking three days off of work, even.

Last night Robert came over to talk to Jeff and I heard them in the other room. Jeff was being too nice and I had to hold myself back from barging in there to say, back off bubba to Robert. I got my protector bear inside me. Plus I don�t mind saying no and I don�t mind people thinking ill of me and I would be his guard dog if he�d let me. But that�s no good. He can take care of his own self and I know it. But then later, when Robert left, Jeff told me he showed him his gun and that made me mad. Sometimes I find out things about myself that I didn�t know or expect and it turns out that I don�t want anyone bringing goddamned motherfucking GUNS in the house. Especially when strapped to the body of a fella that�s taking advantage and who won�t take a polite no for an answer. Growl.

See? I�m still black at heart. Don�t worry.