I love the news. I love anything that requires more news consumption than my usual which, friends, generally takes up approximately 3-5 hours of my day. Although sometimes I just listen and read the news all day long in a fit of self-indulgent news gluttony. I love political conventions. Does everybody miss Bill Clinton as much as I do? He gives good speech. Oh dear. I guess that was several days ago but I listen to everything on the radio and usually at work so I just heard his speech. I'm going to listen to John Kerry's in a minute. And then I will go off into the world in search of egg salad which I am strangely craving.

My dad has gone and me brother too. I am happy about the former, sad about the latter. That was way way too much dad-time for me (and I wasn't even around him all day--poor, noble Jeff was gracious to the end). My dad is fine long distance but when I'm around him so much for such an extended period of time? I remember how much I don't respect him, how much I hate how he treats people, how much of a fucking BABY he is. As you see, I am very angry about my father right now. Very angry.

Ok, here's the thing--I have a tremendous amount of compassion for the man because I realize that he's just plain not a grown-up. He is still the kid he was 40-some years ago, needing unconditional parental-type love that he never ever got. And I believe it's true that if you don't get it as a kid, that need just grows and grows. So for that, I feel for him.

But JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

When he acts like he's in competition with my little brother who I would cheerfully kill bunnies for (I mean, if I had to--hopefully that won't come up), that's when I want to punch him out. I shall not list all the things that pissed me off the past week, though I am sore tempted. I'll just stick with today. Argh. This morning we all went to breakfast before they headed back to Florida and I was extolling Shawn's virtues (of which, objectively speaking, he has millions) and my dad was sort of sneering at each one. I almost lost my cool, y'all. I said, about three or four times, can't you give him some credit? Give him some props? Don't you agree that he's one of the greatest kids of all time? And my fucking dad acted like he never heard me. It made me SO MAD. IT'S STILL MAKING ME SO MAD. How insecure does a person have to be to find himself completely incapable of being kind (or even, simply, honest) about his youngest son? Who happens to be a really great fifteen-year-old kid, which, as we all know, is not the age of much greatness (neither is it the age of much security--so way to go, DAD). Jeff and I raved about Shawn and left my dad trying to get the conversation back to himself. And I was very very angry.

I have been very angry about this man for much of my life--but angry on behalf of my brothers and my pets and my mother. Because here's the thing I figured out a long long time ago: what he says about me or the tone he uses with me or what he tries to make me do doesn't count. I was little when I figured this out. He's not a bad man or a dangerous man or even a mean man. He's simply an immature one, an inneffectual one, a self-absorbed one. He cannot see past his own nose. He has never seen me except as threat--I make him nervous because I think it's clear that I have no need for his approval, no time for his bullshit, and will not respond to his anger. I think he knows very well that I have zero problem walking away from relationships that don't work (which is why I have not seen his family in about fifteen years) and that he better ackrite. Thus, he addressed all of his talk to Jeff this entire past week and never once initiated conversation with me. And friends, it was a relief to be able to ignore him with impunity, to be able to direct all of my talk to Shawn and Jeff. Which is a little bit sad and ruthless--but then again, so am I.

Even though all my personal anger toward my dad burned out a long long time ago, my anger on Shawn's behalf is still raging. I know Shawn can take care of himself. Shawn can take care of himself AND me AND his crazy bio-mom AND his lunatic family quite well, thankyouverymuch. He's secure and smart enough not to take shit from our dad personally. I just want his life to be better than that, want his dad to be better than that. Shawn is already twice the grown-up my dad is. He's a good boy who will be a good man. I couldn't be more proud of him. Cheesy, but absolutely true.

I am glad to have our house back and our peace back. I am glad that I have this new job thingy. I am glad I share my life with Jeff, such a good and decent, whole and hale, happy and open-hearted grownup. He's awful purty, too.