BOTH BABIES ASLEEP.

That means I'm happy.

Last night I took a shower at about 10 pm, so it was completely dark outside and the shower is still in the camper trailer so I had to walk over there to take it. Over there, meaning the woods far away from the house. I actually like this. It's nice. I even like how, last night, I got scared. Like skeerred, like when you're a kid and you think They are going to jump out and get you. I was in the shower when I got that heebie jeebie feeling and I practically ran all the way back to the house (which pretty much ruined the nice effects of the shower). I remember running like that from my best friend, Kelly Maloney's house when I was a kid. We lived in New York then and so it was dark early all the time, it seemed. Thrilling.

Ossie is beginning to get scared of things. He's been so fearless and has never been bothered by falling down or scrapes or bruises or much of anything really. But now. I think he's growing an imagination. We went for a walk last night and we heard a barred owl and zoooom! He RAN right up to me and hid his face in my leg and wouldn't look up he got so scared. I kind of agree about that one--I get a little bit scared by the barred owl--just like I get a little bit scared by big thunder storms and roller coasters and the woods at night. But I love that kind of scared feeling. I think it's wonderful.

My brother Joe called yesterday to talk about how hard of a time he's having with my mom. She's still in Savannah with them, "helping." Their boy, Caelen, is in the hospital until tomorrow--he was born with fluid in his lungs and so has had to be on antibiotics and under an oxygen tank and with a bili blanket (is that right?). Anyway--I'm glad he's finally coming home. But Joe called because my mom is driving him bonkers in the same way she drove me bonkers whilst here. She's overly critical, denies everything (to a ridiculous degree--nothing bothered her EVER and she was SO HAPPY all the time even when she had to go away and be alone because I know I hurt her feelings (by saying: I think it's a bad idea to take Ossie to the store now--it's his nap time. This on the day I gave birth when it was supremely fucking hot and I was supremely fucking pregnant. She threw a temper tantrum because I asked that she respect the kid's naptime. My dad had to mediate and it was fucking ridiciulous and she denied all of it even when I tried to apologize for hurting her feelings. UGH.) And also? While I am ranting (this one still bothers me): she called all my brothers and told them when Matilda was born. I didn't get to do it. I cried and cried about that one. So symptematic of our whole fucked up family--she has to be in the middle of everyone's busines OR she is completely hurt and disappears. And she also talks shit about everyone in my family all the time and she also buys Dan computers and beds and an apartment and BOOZE because she is seriously sick with the enabling of the alcoholic sickness and it makes me so sad. She has sold every last one of the rest of us out on behalf of Dan, when of course that just keeps him sick (not that it's her job to make him well, I know), but it makes me fucking ill. She's got her claws in him deep.

This is the longest parenthetical nonsensical aside ever. Sorry)

Anyway. What? So Joe is waking up to the fact that our mother is completely fucking batshit crazy and not all that nice. I'm sad for him, but glad too. I wish, sometimes, that my dad would see it. I can imagine a life for him with someone who would care about his happiness for once, with someone who is not so desperately unhappy and mentally unhinged. But that would literally kill my mom, I'm pretty sure.

How the hell did I get on this? I didn't mean to.

I am making ginger snaps today because I am a SAHM (for now). Ridiculous.

Next week: back to work. Yay!