Sometimes (most times) I just really can't stand to be around other people. Not even Matilda. I miss being alone. I also wish, often, that I wasn't wired this way. That's pretty useless, yes, but I hate being so off-putting all of the time.

For instance, people hug Jeff when they seem him. Those same people do not hug me. I don't really want to hug people. This makes feel sad, too.

I don't think I have it in me to have friends. I get lonesome and then put myself out there, like I did this week, and now I've got two plans to hang out with folks, but now I wish I didn't. I don't actually want to see any of those people. I'm dreading Thursday and Saturday. I just vant to be alone, dahlinks.

I've been out and about with the kiddies today, trying to think about XMAS and what to do about all of these satellite people that I'm realizing I need gifts for (Ossie's teachers, for example. And the babysitter. Gah). I like thinking about Christmas presents for family and friends and I like making things for people. But I hate this obligatory stuff for people I don't really know. Or something. I just am not enjoying this--and, if I'm truthful, I'm annoyed that I have to orchestrate the whole thing because I know Jeff won't have anything to do with it. Which is probably smart of him--but I dont' know how to just not do it.

Still haven't finished grading, of course. I think maybe I'll see if I can walk with Matilda for a bit before Ossie wakes up. Surely that will cure this foul mood.