February, hello.

Been a rough month. ROUGH. I guess I (we) wasn't quite prepared for my return to full-time work. Matilda was certainly not on board, that's for sure. That's for damned sure, she says. We are tired. We are stressed. We are full of fighting feelings like we never were before.

I think I even stormed out of the bedroom at one point saying I'm not fucking sleeping in here!. I never said fuck in a fight before like that. Not with Jeff. I can't recall what we were so mad about now. Lord o lord we been fighting mad.

And then Jeff didn't get the job. It was a thing. Like this: the person, the friend, who recommended him for the job, who wrote his bloodly letter of reference, decided at the last possible second, that SHE wanted the job. I'm so mad about this. Jeff just feels (or felt--maybe he is over it being the generally not messed up dude he is) bad. What the hell. The man who was doing the hiring is also on the county board of commissioners. The woman (former friend!) worked on his bloody campaign to get him elected. It ain't right, is all. Jeff had that job in the bag.

So that happened and I am bitter.

But otherwise, we are climbing out of the hole January made in our lives. I have decided that I do not like my job. Not at all. I have decided that I do wish I were a librarian, after all. So. We have made plans. We shall see. We are famous makers of plans, though. All that ends up happening is we live in a half-finished house for the rest of our lives, I bet.

The children drive me crazy and I love them like crazy. I can barely keep it together sometimes, both of the above are so true. I said to Jeff that I would have to leave them all. Isn't that a horrible thing to say? I would leave my babies. It felt true, though.

One day, Ossie went about is day spelling his name. Like this: "O-S-S-I-E is pulling up his pants!" Or "0-S-S-I-E wants some milk!" That kills me.

This morning, as we were lying in bed, he said "Sheep say b-a-a-h." And so I said, in my very sleep-deprived voice, "And what do cows say?" "Mmm...I want some cow milk!" I love him like crazy, for sure I do.

Best get to work.