Caveat: a very sad and pathetic entry lies ahead. Just please remember that I am actually fine, I'm just feeling out of sorts. Please, please, I beg of you, no sympathy. I'm having a pity party. Pity parties musn't be indulged.

Oh I�m cranky today. Feeling quite down on myself and a wee bit hopeless. It�s so silly and thank god I�ve only got class one day a week this term. And then hopefully never again. Avoiding teaching may not be the best reason to go to graduate school, but it�s not the absolute worse, either.

I slept too much last night. I went to bed relatively early so that I might get up super early to plan but then I just couldn�t get up. Or wouldn�t, more like. I was too full of dread and demons to want to get out of bed and prepare for class. I�m over-tired now as a result. Ah. Life just kicks me in the shins sometimes.

I know it�ll be fine. I just don�t like this feeling. I�m all unsettled.

Ah fuck it. I have been attempting to feel like a chipper human today, but I have decided to give up the ghost. Stupid Lola just freaked out all in my direction. She is stupid and manipulative and freakish and she doesn�t like me to do any of the parts of my job that have to do with her (all the student parts) and she sometimes sabotages me when it comes to those parts. Like today, for instance. Fuck her. Three people have come up to me since her weird freakout to sympathize and tell me she�s the one with a problem, not me. So very comforting. Which is to say, no, I don�t think so, not comforting at all.

And this fuckface, this absolute steakin cheat, over at yahoo auctions, has basically stolen $60 bucks from me. What can you do if you win an auction, pay for the thing, and then don�t ever get it and can�t get a response from the seller? What does one do? In my last, rather menacing, email to him I said I�d be writing to yahoo on Wednesday if I didn�t hear from him. Arg. I lied�I already registered my complaint with yahoo. Yet another example of displacement, I�m sure.

Life is frustrating and sucky sometimes. I have class tonight. I have about six overdue videos at home. I have only about $50 in my checking account. I�m out of both cat food and dog food. I am overdue on one of my student loans and there is no way I can pay for any of it but I still haven�t done the forbearance paperwork that I should have done last month. I just want to melt into a puddle on the floor and not get up for a long long time. There is no reason for me to be this defeated, but there it is.

If I were a superstitious person I might think it�s because I was so la-di-da happy and reveling in the la-di-da happiness last week.

I mean, it�s been worse. I�m not throwing myself down in fits of anguish or anything. I�m just cranky and worried.

Right then. I will stare for a few more minutes at this lovely photo of Wendell Berry in his farmer clothes that�s here in this book I�m cataloging and I will listen to the Be Good Tanyas and I will proceed to calm down. Calmly. And then at lunch I will go to the bank and I will return those videos. Then I will plan class. Shh girl. It�ll be all right.