Goodness. I had a rather ferocious mind fuck of a day yesterday, my friends. Can�t say why or wherefore. One thing that came of it, though: I decided I won�t be inflicting my mind fucks on anyone but moi in the future. Thus, I have found a use for my private pages. Nobody should think I�m putting exciting and/or juicy tidbits of my life (of which there are precisely none) therein because I ain�t. My private folder is now the holy well of despair, which, it seems, must be fed every day or two else I�m liable to simply be peaceful and happy and I don�t think I�ve the right psyche for such an existence. Sigh.

So the end result of all my horrible brain melting last night was that I did not do either of the two social activities I could have/should have/wanted to have done. I did not go to Reginald�s birthday party at the bar (I was too afeared of couples, plus I was deep in the pity me part of the evening) and I did not go with Frances and Jeff to see Adaptation, which I want to see very much and who I want to see very much as well (Frances and Jeff, I mean). It has now been 20 days since I last saw a friendly face. Luckily, I�m a loner.

This is also part of why I didn�t do either of the two social outings: I�m flat broke. I just found out I owe taxes this year. And I owe a goodly bit, too�much more than I can afford. Plus there�s that whole legal matter that I plan never to think about but which will most likely cost me more than I�ve got to spend. Plus, I�m not teaching for the big money anymore�just the poor community college, which hardly pays at all. So. No more buying books or CDs or snacks or lunch out or anything fun. No more renting movies. No more movies, period. No more bar, no more shows, no more fun for me. At least not until May. 2005. I can�t even go to the grocery store. Don�t worry, though. I�ve got an awful lot of rice at home (did you know that the 40 lb bag of rice only costs $.50 more than the 20 lb bag of rice?). I won�t starve. Other cost-cutting measures: I�m getting rid of my ISP at the end of this month�having an Internet connection at home is a luxury and I don�t need it. I�m washing my clothes by hand. I�m keeping the heat down low, the electricity-use to a minimum and cutting out all long-distance calls. I have other plans, but I�m waiting until they actually go into effect before revealing them. Oooh. So mysterious.

I can live this way, just for a couple of months, right? Get me to May, when I�ll either get a roommate or move to a cheaper place or move to Colorado or move to Florida or come into large sums of money, and I�ll be all right. Yes sir, I will.

Well well well. The cheater finally wrote me back. He claims he sent me my stuff already, but it must have got lost in the mail. Snort. He says all the other auction winners� stuff (there are about five of us, all told) must have got lost in the mail, too. Uh huh. How interesting. And, he says, he�s been away for the last month. Oh, sure you have, buddy boy. Except I know he received all my emails on the very days that I sent them (we�re both AOL and he didn�t put up any of the privacy blocks (of which I am a great fan) so I can find out if he opened my mail and I also knew when he was online, which was most of the damned time).

His newfound helpfulness could have something to do with the fact that I complained to Paypal, a company which actually attempts to get the money back from the steakin cheats when this sort of thing happens. So the steakin cheat finally wrote me back and promises to send my stuff.

Harold, my cat, is about to drive me completely batty. He has this new habit. All night long he sneaks onto my pillow and starts pulling my hair. I move him (more like, I catapult him into the next room). Doesn�t slow him down a whit. He jumps back on the bed, just as I�ve fallen back asleep, and pulls my hair some more. This cat, I do believe, spends his days contemplating and devising new and ingenious ways to drive me round the bloody bend. He is the most, the most, annoying creature ever to inhabit my space. I still adore him, but damn.

Oh honey. I can�t wait until spring. Spring is on its way. The sun sets just a little bit later every day and I�m convinced that in another week or two Bash and I can start going back to the lake after work. Oh but I can�t wait. I check the official sunset time several times a day (here�s where I check�I got that link from Frances�s lost pony page.) Spring is the very reason to live in this state. I tell you there ain�t no place prettier in the months leading up to summer and this time, this time I�m not going to be sad and I�m going to roam all over looking for new places to walk and to run and to climb. I�m going to plant a garden, too, even though I might move and I�m going to start planning that, getting ready, I am, getting ready for the liveliness.