Hurrah! Bathsheba is coming today!

Of course, my house is a disaster and the laundry still ain�t done and I�ve nothing at all in the house that might make a guest feel welcome, but hurrah hurrah anyway. I�m excited. I�m the kind of excited that got me out of bed before the first light. I meant to get some work done but I didn�t. Instead I hung out on the floor with Bash because he is so damned lovely in the early morning. All sleepy and cuddly. Then we sat outside and shivered in the cold and watched the sun rise. And then I got to work super early. Yay me.

My mum was nearly exploding with happiness (although she described her mood as �cautiously optimistic�) on account of how damned well Dan is doing. He�s got some anti-anxiety and anti-depression pills and he said, where are the lumps and knots in my back? He slept the whole night through for the first time in years, for the first time since adolescence, since he was 13 I think. He said, is this how people walk around feeling? Like it was some strange new thing to feel good and well and not afraid. I�m glad for him but also hoping people don�t start thinking, well he�s all cured, here's the end of his troubles. But for now, they are celebrating and I guess they�ve all earned that. For now.

I don�t know how it came up�I think I was talking about my tendency to let people I really like dictate my plans or something�but my mom started telling me stories about when I was a baby. She said she�s never seen a baby so still and quiet. She said I almost never cried, never demanded anything. She said I watched everyone and that�s how I learned. I never practiced walking or talking. I listened and looked and then, when I�d figured it out, I just did it. Oh boy. That made me cringe. Some things never change. I been self-conscious since the day I was born, been afraid to do things wrong since the day I was born. I want to not be afraid of messing things up and I want to learn to trust people more�to actually trust, not the phony bologna business I always do. I don�t, you know. That�s why I don�t lean on folks, don�t ask for help, don�t let myself depend on anyone. It�s a nasty habit that I want to break, but I�m not sure how to go about breaking it. But that, my pretties, is a problem for another day. Today I must prepare for the imminent arrival of my dearest and darlingest Bathsheba, most missed of all. Wicked.