Wass going on folks? You know what's happening right here right now? LIST HELL.

*I got one list for retiree RSVPing
*I got one list for invitations still to be given out (housekeepers and guards--I work in a medieval castle)
*I got one list for folks to sign up to bring specific food items
*I got one list for folks contributing cash (attached to envelope bearing oodles of dollars--it's not good to tempt me with criminal behavior)
*I got one list of things I have to purchase
*I got one list of folks volunteering to help set up/clean up
*I got one list of folks volunteering to cook turkeys and/or ham (I'm on that fucking list. Please, somebody. Run me over. Put me out of my misery.)
*I got one overarching TO DO list listing everything listed here along with other V.V.V. important things like: check with CZ about borrowing table cloths.

and all of it, every last bit of this shit, runs completely and utterly counter to my entire reason for living.

I hate I hate and I hate.

Party planning puts me in a murderous rage kind of mood.

Paul, the cataloging guru guy who I think is super and who was diagnosed with congenital heart failure last January and who, as a result, quit smoking quit drinking quit salt quit fat quit caffeine and quit every thing else in the world bad for him, seems to be sneaking smokes. He reeks of cigarettes and it makes me sad because I totally dig him and want him to live long and prosper plus I totally don't want to end up unable to quit in the face of death like that. I should just quit already and shut up.

What's a good stay-at-home business? Here are some ideas:

get my masters in counseling and go into private practice (I figure I'd totally rock at this job + both my folks did it + I've been watching The Sopranos).

Start a doggie daycare thing. Except Jeff is allergic so where would I do it?

Do freelance writing/editing. Except I hate writing especially when I have to do it for somebody else. Plus that involves selling or marketing myself and ugh, just ugh.

Make things and sell them and write what I want and try to sell that. Right. I'm sure I'll make pots and pots of money this way. So so totally sure. Yep.

Get started in real estate investment. I got shitty credit and no money to start. Harumph.

I love my job but I hate being away from home for almost 60 hours a week. I really hate that. I can't fully express to you how much I hate that. I know I know, other people are away from home much more than that, blah blah, but the thing is, being home is pretty much my number one thing that I need to do. I get to feeling anxious and uneasy and worried and stressed and ooky living this way. I'm looking for a long-term way out.

Not really. I just like to play at thinking up alternate lives.

Yesterday three folks in this department felt their desks shake and watched their computers rock back and forth. They figured it was the worker people taking out the ceiling in the lobby right outside our door (why are they doing this anyway?). But then we realized that it was this earthquake. Rock on, world.

While at Kinko's yesterday afternoon some fella who'd been there a lot longer than me realized he was standing in the wrong place to be considered in line. He jumped in behind me but I told him, no no you were here before me but he wouldn't get in front of me because he said ladies first to which I made a face and this other woman right in front of me said, "awwwww, that's so sweet." So then I smiled and said, "isn't it." Sometimes I just want to hit myself in the head a million times. Why did I even say that? How come I say shit like that just because it's what other people are waiting to hear? Ugh. I hate manners and politeness and I hate chivalry and I hate being treated like a girl, etc. etc. etc. I'm a JERK. I KNOW.

I have so many good ideas for presents but no money. Grrr. Arrrg.

I did not buy Buffy stuff yesterday. Pat me on the head for being good.

A fella just poked his head in to say that they're going to be doing something out there that sounds like gun shots. Well all right. Rock on ceiling guys.

Went for a long walk this morning and last night and yesterday morning and still I feel all tense. Therefore I will only eat spinach and soy and nuts today. And drink only water. The end.