Man oh man. I�m feeling super good. That�s because I went to sleep at 7 pm last night. I just blacked out, bam, and then it was all the sudden 5:30 and the alarm was going off. Delicious. Jeff slept nearly as long and when he rolled over to get up today (after saying about three time, just five more minutes) he said, I love sleep.

Sleep is one of my favorites. I kiss kiss kiss you sleep.

Yesterday was one version of hell that I hope never to revisit. Not even to recap it for posterity. It is done it is done it is done. And I did not die. (though fucking Shankle almost did, by my mine own hand. What an officious beeeooootch.)

Also I only have 1.5 days left to work until January 5th, 2004.

Unfortunately we are so broke that maybe we won�t be able to pay for gas to get to Florida next week. No presents for anybody. No food. No laundry. No dog food! No cat food! Ayiiiii!

My friend Adam, one of my favorite people, wrote me email the other day and is now trying to convince me that I have to chat with him online. I tried to explain to him about how I don�t do that, on principle, but he doesn�t believe me. So now I have to get on instant messenger just to prove that I can because he thinks I�m either lying or I�m so technically retarded that I can�t. He promises me that it will be fun.

Also my friend Adam is coming to North Carolina in one week and in two weeks probably I will hang out with him. Then he is going back to Washington D.C. at which point Blythe will come over to my house. And then after she comes over for a few days we will drive to West Virginia to see Jessica who is one of my other favorites and who is pregnant.

Then I have to come back to work. Sigh.

Oy, girl. There ain�t no reason to get sad about the end of free time when it hasn�t even started yet.

I just got back from a holiday lunch with the catalog department at the Mexican restaurant down the street. Lu L-ietz talked all about her cousins and her kids and her grandkids and their dogs and Garrison Keillor (who is the love of her life, I do declare). Lois M-iller, one-time bane of my existence, made some obnoxious remarks about the little Mexican and black kids she saw who were �so well behaved!� She was shocked at their amazing behavior, so shocked she had to go tell their teacher how good they were. Puke. Cindy Z. got me telling stories about how awful yesterday was and that�s always fun. She is one of the great complainers.

I am so sleepy again. It must be the mushroom quesadilla.

I�m also a little bit sad now, I don�t know why. I think I was a little sad this morning when I left to come to work. The dogs and poor Jeff who had to leave at 6 am and there was confusion and frustration and I just want to give him a hug. I hear the voice I had this morning and ugh, I sounded exactly like my mother, and Jeff looked so slump-shouldered. It makes me sad to think of it. I don�t want to be bossy and I don�t want the dogs to be so ill-behaved either. That�s what I want for Christmas.

Ok, I have huge amounts of work to do. I have eight piles of books on my desk (each pile holding about 10 books), four mountainous and completely unorganized piles of probably very important papers intermingled with the piles of books, eighteen trucks full of books (each holding anywhere from 120 to 200 books), five shelves (approximately 400 books), all of which need my attention, none of which I wish to grant.

Dessert is in the breakroom. I like dessert. I woke up in the middle of the night (did I lie and say I slept straight through to my alarm this morning? I did, didn�t I. Sorry), dreaming of dessert and lack of money and deserts. Because my mouth was like a desert because of the space heater in the bedroom. I wake up with a bloody nose most mornings on account of that thing. Blast.

Look, I�m sick of writing this. I�m going to go smoke and then I�m going to come back here and be myself.

Can�t get this out of my head:

Lights out tonight
trouble in the heartland
Got a head-on collision
smashin' in my guts, man
I'm caught in a cross fire
that I don't understand
But there's one thing I know for sure girl
I don't give a damn
For the same old played out scenes
I don't give a damn
For just the in betweens
Honey, I want the heart, I want the soul
I want control right now
talk about a dream
Try to make it real
you wake up in the night
With a fear so real
Spend your life waiting
for a moment that just don't come
Well, don't waste your time waiting

Badlands, you gotta live it every day
Let the broken hearts stand
As the price you've gotta pay
We'll keep pushin' till it's understood
and these badlands start treating us good

Workin' in the fields
till you get your back burned
Workin' `neath the wheel
till you get your facts learned
Baby I got my facts
learned real good right now
You better get it straight darling
Poor man wanna be rich,
rich man wanna be king
And a king ain't satisfied
till he rules everything
I wanna go out tonight,
I wanna find out what I got
Well I believe in the love that you gave me

I believe in the love that you gave me
I believe in the faith that could save me
I believe in the hope
and I pray that some day
It may raise me above these

Badlands, you gotta live it every day
Let the broken hearts stand
As the price you've gotta pay
We'll keep pushin' till it's understood
and these badlands start treating us good

For the ones who had a notion,
a notion deep inside
That it ain't no sin
to be glad you're alive
I wanna find one face
that ain't looking through me
I wanna find one place,
I wanna spit in the face of these badlands