I feel like writing though I'm pretty sure I'm just going to repeat myself from yesterday. I've been ruminating. I'm tired and clean and sad and joyful today. Tired because yesterday was hard for me. Clean because I got rid of some garbage that I was letting cling to me for way too long. Sad because, because, even though I've let go of that garbage, it used to mean something to me. It sort of sucks in a great joyful kind of way to wake up and realize (like I seen the light kind of realize) that two people you maybe loved for a long time are just plain duds. Just plain boring joyless uninterested uninteresting jerkoffs. Joyful for the same reason, though.

I slept on and off and watched Buffy on and off all yesterday afternoon until Jeff got home. Me and the five dogs on the couch with Buffy. Home, y'all, home is where the heart is and my heart is home.

You can't talk about real things with those fellas and I spent years thinking I was a dork or a basketcase because I wanted to talk about and live real things. They're still the same way but I'm not and our worlds don't meet anywhere. I mean, yesterday was a gorgeous bright blue day and I took them for a walk down to the river and all Jay could see was...what? He wanted to know how much land costs around here and he wanted to know how Mr. Brown makes money and how much Jeff makes. Lord, I am dead serious. Here we were in god's country and he wanted to talk real estate. I said, isn't it just pretty out today? And he curled his motherfuckin lip at me, I swear to god. The only thing he liked about the walk was thinking he burned off some calories from breakfast.

Jeff said he's never had anybody show so little interest in this place as those two. I mean, they had nothing to say. I took them through the sumac forest, they were indifferent. Showed them Emily Welborne's grave, they were bored. Showed them the river and they tagged it like it was an item on the to-do list and then they were off, back home. Jeff hated them, thought they were like characters from Seinfeld. After five minutes in their company he said, well, that's it for me. And neither one of em had any idea that they were being so damned unpleasant that they drove Jeff away. They deigned to think he "seemed nice." I wanted to laugh in their mean faces, to tell them that Jeff just got up because Y'ALL ARE SO BORING AND STUPID. But, yeah. Probably that's not the right way of going about things. They're so busy thinking up ways to show off that they can't enjoy themselves, let alone notice how much nobody in his or her right mind enjoys being around them. Life doesn't count unless it's making people impressed by you and they seem to think me and Jeff might be impressed with sarcasm and money and hipster accessories. Like I would be impressed with Jay's car? Um.

So I took today off work to get myself back together and I'm doing laundry and watching Buffy and reading and hanging out with these excellent dogs and doing the seeds and being happy. I like to think of things like how, one time, I said, what're you doing? to Jeff and he said, being happy. Or how he slept with Peaches the night I was at the hotel because she seems to be going through a trying time these days (like a teenager, that's what she is right now). My friend doesn't push life away. He holds on to it and holds even tighter when it gets hard, loves even more fiercly when the ugly parts show up. He doesn't ever flinch. Jeff is alive and Jeff is awake.

When I was kid, I never was interested in having friends. The only time I was interested in that particular pursuit was in college. Now, I'd just rather not. I like to have Frances and Bathsheba and Brittania to hang with and be friends with and to share our diaries and to be real people around each other. Doesn't friends mean enjoying each other's company, giving each other a soft place to fall or a hand up or high five or a pat on the back or a hug or a laugh? Man, I don't want drinking buddies. No fucking way. I like to live quiet, here with all these animals. These are my best friends, my intimates, my familiars. Life is so rich. Who wants to waste it being cynical and drunk (and boring someone in some dark cafe)? I'm about done with people. That's the end truth. People are a total drag. Friends are good, though. Hard to find, but worth the wait.

Kali is sitting here looking up at me, sweet as she can be. I'm going go hang with her and the seeds and sunshine now. See you.