I actually had fun yesterday at the dreaded graduation. That is, until 5 pm, when everyone was leaving or gone and I was dawdling, just checking my email one last time. One of the other teachers, Lars (who'se a nice bloke. Well, not nice. Funny, though), stopped by my office and said (in ominous tone): "You look different."

I said, "uhhhhh...."

He said, "We all know why." [Looks pointedly at my mid-section]

I said, "uhhhhh...."

He said, "See you next year!"

And I have been fretting ever since.

I finally decided that it was a jerk move on his part, which is pretty typical for Lars, a man with zero social graces. I also decided not to think too closely about the "we" in the "we all know why" because that would suggest that there are people in the world talking about how I look and y'all know I can't handle that.

I also decided that I can't put this off anymore and I have to tell my boss. Except I won't see him until next Thursday. I'm a tell him then, fo sho.

Last night, in the midst of fretting, I realized that this whole business is pretty much like revisiting puberty. I get the hellish and overwhelming emotions that I do not know how to handle. I get the sudden and startling changes in my body that I do not know how to handle. I get the awful and embarrasing outbreaks of acne (which, come to think of it, I never actually got in puberty), which I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE. I'm so glad to have this opportunity to revisit 13 again. Because it was such a joy the first go round.

The thing that I also realized last night (whilst trying to decide how to feel about the whole Lars thing--should I fall to pieces? should I laugh it off? should I be outraged? should I be embarrassed? should I feel ashamed?) was that I have lost the Most Important Super Power Skill That Keeps Me Sane. That is: other people ain't got nothing to do with me. Other people say shit and look shit and think shit and maybe it's not nice or good but I know it's their deal, NOT MINE. Except now everything is suddenly my deal. Which makes life pretty much unbearable. I'm trying to at least fake my old method, in hopes that it sticks.

Thus, I decided that Lars was being Lars and I'm not going to worry about it no more! As you can see! See me not worrying about it!

Other thing I also realized last night: I really look pregnant. I'm not one of those people who doesn't show until 7 months or whatever (which seems to be EVERYBODY BUT ME). No. Here I am, barely 16 weeks, and I am definitely and definitively and most assuredly knocked up. Did I mention that when all else fails, I can fret about this? (Why me? Why does my body have to be so pregnant all the time? Wah wah)

For the sake of continuity: I gots the graduation cap and it was all fine.

Something I am looking foward to: One S. Fitzgibbons is getting married in June and all my old college chums are going and me and Jeff and Blythe are driving up together to Jeff's parents' house and then we're caravaning to Ithaca with Jess and Sue and I'm just so excited. I'm not sure why I'm finding this all so exciting, but hot damn, I am.

Something I am not looking foward to: (two things) Thing one: My whole entire family is descending upon us in July. Including butthead Oliver, who is flying from San Francisco. Including clingy soon-to-be sister-in-law (wah wah) Jessica. Fucking hell. Thing two: my aunt Loretta claims, through my dad, that she and her family are visiting me in a couple of weeks. I have not seen this woman since I was 15, I think. I hate people. She better not come.

Something else I am looking forward to: July! I have the month off! Jeff and I are going to take a vacation! I have never in my life taken a "vacation." I never really understood that "vacation" meant (to the people of the world, whom I have never understood): going away from home to some interesting and new place. Or something. I go on trips to visit friends and/or family. I don't go on "vacation." It better be fun.

Alert! The rest of this entry will be of no interest to anybody! If, however, you have given birth to human babies please read and respond, please and thank you!

The Plan: Next fall I plan to work right up until labor begins. I don't plan to take any time off (unless I have to, of course). Then I plan to have the kid with no complications, etc. (stop laughing!). Then I plan to take two weeks off of work to recover. Then my brother Dan will arrive and become Dan the nanny for six-eight weeks. He will accompany me and the babe to work and hang with the kid whilst I am actually in class. All other times I will be with the kid. I will be in class about 3 hours every morning (with several short breaks).

The Question: Is this do-able? Crazy? Can I take this plan to my boss and say, this is what I'm hoping to do?

I want to finish the semester for a couple of reasons:

1. I would hate for my students to suddenly have someone else come in and change everything, which will happen, because everyone here is v. v. weird. And also very grade conscious, which I am not.

2. I plan to quit at the end of the fall term and I can't quit before going back to work or else I have pay back all my insurance money stuff.

3. I don't want to lose $10,000 for those three hours a day/6 weeks.

Other pertinent information: I can't quit before the fall term because a. I will lose a lot of money which we cannot afford to do and b. I will have to pay a lot of money for the birth which right now is mostly being paid for by insurance. Actually it would only cost us about twice what we are now paying. But still.

The only way out is if we get a super delux $20,000 windfall. Uh, yeah.

So that's the plan!

So is it a crazy plan? Thank you and have a nice day.