I am so filled with self loathing right now. This is the problem with Jeff being home. Without him, I don�t hate myself nearly as much. I can exist in this body without thinking how utterly repulsive I must be. I figure out ways to make it work with the kids. I feel well liked by them, too. Like we have our system and it works and we love one another. I feel competent and good, in fact, most of the time, lately, when it�s just them and me.

Add Jeff to the mix and I see every damned inadequacy (dishes undone, floor covered in dog hair, trash not taken out, paperwork, lack of social life, etc. etc. etc.) and I can hardly breathe. Jeff�s mom was supposed to fly here today but Jeff called her and asked her not to come. Ugh. And then we went to the pig pickin thing at the co-op (man I hate the term pig-pickin. It makes me ill on so many levels. I guess I wasn�t raised southern, but I just have this visceral reaction to those words together. I�m not even the biggest fan of pigs (our, for instance, are low on the beast totem pole around these parts. Least they are for me. Those are JEFF�S pigs is what I say), but I can�t eat them. Not after I know what they are like.

And actually I am really fond of our pigs. They are perhaps the sweetest creatures I�ve ever met. They do fuss and fight, but then they get scared of Peaches for god�s sake. And Ossie. I do believe it�s something of a sin to scare a pig now. I�m trying to teach Ossie this. Pigs have such delicate fearful personalities, that it�s just really not right.

So, yep. Hate pig-pickins. The name seems so deliberately cruel for some reason to me. Jeff, incidentally, loves his pigs very much. He also likes pig meat more than any other meat. I can�t cotton that, I tell you what. Not sure why. Anyway, this was just a cookout at the co-op.) I got the vegetarian plate and it was delicious. I didn�t expect everyone we know in town to be there (not sure why I didn�t expect this as every event in town has everyone we know in attendance) and so I got all panicked and had to sit far away. Jeff didn�t have fun because of this and because he had to chase after Ossie (I hate doing this�I don�t like to hang out at places that require constant corralling of the kids. So I just don�t go to those places without someone willing to do said corralling.) God. I sound like such a lame fuss budget (which�I kind of am? Yes.)

I made a mental list of everyone there who I thought had a social anxiety/phobia of some kind. I came up with three, maybe four names. Then I proceeded to think very fondly of these people. Three of the four are guys for whom it seems more acceptable to be a social freak. One guy just makes himself into Fun Dad and exhausts himself playing with kids. I don�t think I�ve ever said a single word to him. Another guy I thought was just cool stoner dad guy, but then I did talk to him and I could see what an effort it was for him. I was half-drunk (ah, alcohol, my trusted pal) and so more able to converse. Another guy who used to be a drunk but who has been sober for nearly 20 years actually told me that he has trouble with a lot of people like that. And I think one woman�she has what I like to think of as an awkward force field around her (that would be a force field of awkwardness, not an awkwardly made force field, natch). If you get within 5 feet of her every conversation goes all stilty and, well, awkward. Thing is, I can�t like this woman, so her I don�t think so fondly of. But those other three, you betcha. I just want to go congregate with them. Let us all sit around not talking so that nobody feels sorry for us and tries to bring us into the social world.

Anyway. Everyone loves Jeff. Which, OF COURSE, makes me feel sorry for myself because I suck. Depressed people are so self-absorbed, it�s not even funny (ha ha).

And just now, I got all weird and sad because Jeff needs to go into work early to do some prep for his classes, which he just now told me about before going to bed. Thing is, I�ve been planning my morning tomorrow (it�s my morning to go into work) and it�s pretty much all I have in my date book (I don�t actually have a date book, please note) and I just am not dealing with a last minute switch up very well. Pathetic! :)

You like my little smiley face? I have to do those now because my online students need reassurance when I note mistakes in their work.

I physically cannot stand to be touched by Jeff. I�m so unhappy with myself right now (and I don�t know why�I�ve looked this way or bigger since I got pregnant with Ossie) that my skin crawls when Jeff does something as simple as giving me an affectionate hug. I have literally shoved him away or jumped away from him several times this past week. Ugh. Sometimes I wonder if I start fights with him so that I don�t have to deal with being touched. Isn�t that a fine thing to do to the one person I love and trust most in this world. Yep. Nice. That�s me.

I just had to get his down and out of me. Write it down and maybe it won�t be so bad anymore. I have to remember back when: write and walk. Do both every day and you�ll feel better, girl.