Is it worse today? And if so, how? How can this be?

Matilda and I are here sans Ossie. He's with Jeff at Lowes. Miss him. Matilda is watching me and giggling. She's getting big. Ossie said and signed "I love you" to her yesterday as we woke up. It was sweet--and not in that sickening for show way that kids can get.

We're supposed to go out to Shakori Hills today for the festival. I wanted to go. Maybe I still want to go. I don't know. I kind of want to just leave. Also. Just get in the car and leave. Don't know where and I don't know why.

I know I'm doing a great deal of whining here. I know it. If you're reading this, please. I know. It's just...I need to get this out. I feel like everyone we know likes J. better than me. Work even feels ruined. Now that he is there. I feel like a female cardinal, you know? The brown boring one and he's so great and red! This is stupid.

I'm tired of being saved. I don't want to go to Shakori and be the afterthought. I wish I could just stay home. I guess I could, but then he either has to stay home too or he goes by himself (which would be fucked up) or he goes with Ossie and...nope. Anyway I look at it, I suck.

Oh well. Oh well oh well oh well.