We went to Shakori Hills last night. I was actually excited (at first), it being so beautiful and perfect outside. And everyone seemed so excited to see us (read: Jeff & Ossie).

I felt like I was back in high school, really. Uncool and unpopular. Jeff was both cool and popular, so he smoked dope while I tried to keep it together with the kids. In the dark. Past their bedtimes. I lost it. Here's one of my things: I don't like parents who smoke pot around their kids. Jeff and I have had more difficulty around this issue than just about anything else. He agreed, however, that last night was a very shitty thing to do. I do not want to be the shrewish wife person. Ugh!

I left Jeff with Ossie and just walked around the festival with Matilda for a long time. I watched a belly dancer. She was so in her body and beautiful that I cried. I'm glad it was dark outside so no one could see. I liked it in the dark walking into pockets of light and music and dancing. I liked having Matilda's warm body against my chest. I do love this little girl. I feel like she's mine in a very different way than Ossie. Ossie was pretty equally bonded with both me and Jeff, but not Matilda. It's just different.

That part of last night was lovely and good. We were going to camp out last night but I nixed it. I thought I'd skip the rest of the festival because I just can't deal with the people situation, but I don't want to do that either. So we're all going back today, but I'm not going to beat myself up about not being able to relax and hang out with folks. I'll do the things I want to do (see the poetry slam, watch the little kids playing, walk around and around with Matilda) and be happy. I'm NOT GOING WORRY ABOUT PEOPLE LIKING ME. Got it? How do I just act like myself without worrying? I can't figure it out. I keep cringing with embarrassment thinking about my stupid, awkward conversations of last night. I'm such a doofus loser.

Ok ok ok. Breathe. And I just have to not care. They are not my friends and they are not going to be my friends and it's ok. It's totally ok. These are Jeff's friends.

I wish one of my friends was there, though. That's true.